How it is.

These days are getting harder. It's a different kind of difficult, and I don't even know what to tell you.

By now the recovery is on its way but definitely taking a turn for an emotional struggle rather than physical. This morning I got prayer after church and you wouldn't believe the way I felt. Everything she said was point on, even though there is no way she knew what was going through my head. She asked for healing in my head and jaw, knowing that God was good enough to take the pain away in my jaw once before, this very summer. She started talking about my emotions as I relive the trauma in every moment of downtime and relive the pain of losing people to this before. She mentioned Logan, and I didn't know anyone knew I was hurting about him this week. She just knew. She asked him to take away my fear. Yes, my own mortality did slap me across the face this week, but God I do not need this fear.

This afternoon I went on my first walk since the accident. My mom, Rusty, and I in the park with the sun going down. Some bicyclists were rounding the corner behind us and gave us the whole "On the left" thing... which usually is a very normal kind of road courtesy. But tonight was different. It startled me and I jumped over to the side of the sidewalk grasping my mom's arm. I couldn't even describe to you what got into me. Crying was not exactly planned... nor was it rational. My mom said I just have a lot of fear.

I do not need this fear. That is what she was praying for and that is what has made me cry on countless occasions in the past few days. It's so not cool.


My mom and dad are upset with me. They say I am rushing things and I am not being patient with my recovery, I just want to do something besides lay around wallowing in my pity. I need to do something besides that.

I go back to work tomorrow. Wish me luck.